Hum Our Tum

The Ideal Man

2009-07-29T21:51:00.000-07:00

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Free Ticket to Heaven

2008-10-05T10:00:00.000-07:00

This is Heaven. This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "ooohed and aaahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly. "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!

Source: http://www.jokesnjokes.net/

The Organizing Principle

2008-09-12T05:40:00.000-07:00

The devil and a friend of his were walking down the street,
when they saw ahead of them a man stoop down
and pick up something from the ground,
look at it,
and put it away in his pocket.

The friend said to the devil, "What did that man pick up?"
"He picked up a piece of Truth," said the devil.
"That is a very bad business for you, then," said his friend.
"Oh, not at all," the devil replied, "I am going to let him organize it."
~Jiddu

How to Gain admission into Heaven

2008-05-27T05:37:00.000-07:00

As the "sinners", all over the world, plan & strategize as to how to successfully enter heaven, here is a joke that shows that you simply need to "prove" your identity!
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When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter would not let him in until he proved his identity.
Einstein demonstrated a few of his theories & equations, and was granted admission into paradise. When Picasso died, St. Peter asked, “How do I know you’re
Picasso?” Picasso re-drew a few of his masterpieces. St. Peter let him in. When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the Saint at the entry - “How can
you prove to me you’re George W. Bush?”
Bush countered, “Heck, you don’t know me?” St. Peter replied, “Well, Albert Einstein proved his equations and Picasso drew his famous sketches. What can you do to
prove you’re George W. Bush?” Bush remained stoic, “Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?” St. Peter smiled, “It must be you, George, hop in.”
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The billion dollar question is - How can you prove your identity?

A test of Patience

2008-05-23T16:40:00.000-07:00

How patient are you? Can you persevere against all odds? Enjoy this joke.
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There once was a monastery that was very strict.

Following a vow of silence, no one was allowed to speak at all. But there was one exception to this rule. Every ten years, the monks were permitted to speak just two words.

After spending his first ten years at the monastery, one monk went to the head
monk. "It has been ten years," said the head monk. "What are the two words
you would like to speak?"

"Bed... hard..." said the monk. "I see," replied the head monk.

Ten years later, the monk returned to the head monk's office. "It has been ten more years," said the head monk. "What are the two words you would like to speak?"

"Food... stinks..." said the monk. "I see," replied the head monk.

Yet another ten years passed and the monk once again met with the head monk who asked, "What are your two words now, after these ten years?" "I... quit!" said the monk. "Well, I can see why," replied the head monk. "All you ever do is complain."
..........................................................
When would you have quit?

Comic Nose Economists

2008-05-23T00:18:00.000-07:00

If you rearrange the letters in "ECONOMICS", you get "COMIC NOSE".

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four."The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
Source: http://economicscience.net/content/JokEc

What is Mystery to God?

2008-05-22T22:58:00.000-07:00

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish". The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me".

The man thought for a long time and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy?"
After a few minutes God said, "How many lanes did you want on that bridge?"

Professional drivers - How to SMARTLY deal with accidents!

2008-03-13T01:12:00.000-07:00

Calm Your nerves!

Two professional drivers got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection.

One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, "Here, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves."

"Thanks," he said, and took a long pull from the container.

"Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back the whiskey.

"Well, I'd rather not," said the professional driver. "At least not until after the police have been here."

Paint Your Car!

Two professional drivers met.

"Hey," asked one, "why did you paint one side of your car red and the other side blue?"

"Well," the professional driver responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

WORLD'S BEST JOKES!

2007-12-25T00:18:00.000-08:00

University of Hertfordshire had conducted a research project to find the best jokes in the world. Some reproduced below:

Best Joke in the world

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Second Place

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Top joke in USA

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Top joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

Top joke in UK

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Top Joke in Wales

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

How to be "Smartly" Sincere!

2007-12-24T11:26:00.000-08:00

Once Mulla Nasruddin put on a Sufi robe and decided to make a pious journey. On his way he met a priest and a yogi, and they decided to team up together.

When they got to a village the others asked him to seek donations while they carried out their devotions. Nasruddin collected some money and bought halwa with it. He suggested that they divide the food, but the others, who were not yet hungry enough, said that it should be postponed until night.

They continued on their way; and when night fell Nasruddin asked for the first portion 'because I was the means of getting the food'.

The others disagreed: the priest on the grounds that he represented a properly organized hierarchical body, and should therefore have preference; the yogi because, he said, he ate only once in three days and should therefore have more.

Finally they decided to sleep. In the morning, the one who related the best dream should have first choice of the halwa.

In the morning the priest said: 'In my dreams I saw the founder of my religion, who made a sign of benediction, singling me out as especially blessed.'

The others were impressed, but the Yogi said: 'I dreamt that I visited Nirvana, and was utterly absorbed into nothing.'

They turned to the Mulla. 'I dreamt that I saw the Sufi teacher Khidr, who appears only to the most sanctified. 'He said: "Nasruddin, eat the halwa-now!" And, of course, I l had to obey.'

Drunk with Life

2007-11-30T05:04:00.000-08:00

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
~Winston Churchill

The church is near, but the road is icy. The bar is far, but we will walk carefully.
~Russian Proverb.

Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
~Bumper sticker.