The Ideal Man

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

-Rita Rudner

Free Ticket to Heaven

This is Heaven. This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "ooohed and aaahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly. "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!

Source: http://www.jokesnjokes.net/

The Organizing Principle

The devil and a friend of his were walking down the street,
when they saw ahead of them a man stoop down
and pick up something from the ground,
look at it,
and put it away in his pocket.

The friend said to the devil, "What did that man pick up?"
"He picked up a piece of Truth," said the devil.
"That is a very bad business for you, then," said his friend.
"Oh, not at all," the devil replied, "I am going to let him organize it."
~Jiddu

How to Gain admission into Heaven

As the "sinners", all over the world, plan & strategize as to how to successfully enter heaven, here is a joke that shows that you simply need to "prove" your identity!
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When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter would not let him in until he proved his identity.
Einstein demonstrated a few of his theories & equations, and was granted admission into paradise. When Picasso died, St. Peter asked, “How do I know you’re
Picasso?” Picasso re-drew a few of his masterpieces. St. Peter let him in. When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the Saint at the entry - “How can
you prove to me you’re George W. Bush?”
Bush countered, “Heck, you don’t know me?” St. Peter replied, “Well, Albert Einstein proved his equations and Picasso drew his famous sketches. What can you do to
prove you’re George W. Bush?” Bush remained stoic, “Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?” St. Peter smiled, “It must be you, George, hop in.”
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The billion dollar question is - How can you prove your identity?

A test of Patience

How patient are you? Can you persevere against all odds? Enjoy this joke.
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There once was a monastery that was very strict.

Following a vow of silence, no one was allowed to speak at all. But there was one exception to this rule. Every ten years, the monks were permitted to speak just two words.

After spending his first ten years at the monastery, one monk went to the head
monk. "It has been ten years," said the head monk. "What are the two words
you would like to speak?"

"Bed... hard..." said the monk. "I see," replied the head monk.

Ten years later, the monk returned to the head monk's office. "It has been ten more years," said the head monk. "What are the two words you would like to speak?"

"Food... stinks..." said the monk. "I see," replied the head monk.

Yet another ten years passed and the monk once again met with the head monk who asked, "What are your two words now, after these ten years?" "I... quit!" said the monk. "Well, I can see why," replied the head monk. "All you ever do is complain."
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When would you have quit?

Comic Nose Economists

If you rearrange the letters in "ECONOMICS", you get "COMIC NOSE".

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four."The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
Source: http://economicscience.net/content/JokEc

What is Mystery to God?

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish". The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me".

The man thought for a long time and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy?"
After a few minutes God said, "How many lanes did you want on that bridge?"